Breathing

So this poem is probably one of my favorite pieces I've ever written. There was a lot of sadness going on in my life at the time and this was something that helped me to get through some of it. My grandpa had just passed away a month or so earlier and I was writing an article on a girl at school who had been through various forms of cancer three times before she was 22. Both of these incidents really put in a fragile state of mind.

This piece always reminds me of my grandpa, I presented it to my grandma for Christmas that year and read it to my extended family, barely making it through the last couple of lines before I broke down. Sometimes I can get really caught up in my own head and its easy to forget how extraordinarily good my life is. I have a family and friends that love me and I can't really ask for more than that.

I just have to remember that, and remember the people in my life that have come and gone. Pain is always hard, but you're never alone.

Enjoy...

They say pain is a sieve and if I give it enough time it will the healing will ebb it's way through. I won't cringe every time I burn, every time I let my guard down and think about you. I'll begin to yearn for release, for a new lease on feelings that are foreign right now, feelings that seem impossible but hold a beginning to how I might start to live in a world without you.
In a world that is suddenly colorless, that has lost its hue. That berates and degrades my every breath, like I don't deserve them now, like I'd want to breath without you.

And every step taken is waking up to shattered glass and every breath forced feels like my last.

They say you never really miss what you got til its gone, like I didn't miss you before, like what I didn't feel before was wrong. Because I knew you were leaving, that pain in my stomach swelled.
And increased.
And released all the meaning I had about this world.
It left me reeling, careening out of orbit with my normal life. My normal life, like there is such a thing. Like I can appreciate the smells and the wonders without feeling, like I even care if this world begins to hold anything more that can begin to resemble appealing.

And every step taken is waking up to shattered glass and every breath forced feels like my last.

With some time behind me I don't have as much trouble inhaling as I remember. Air rushes into my lungs but my contempt for life causes it to linger. Pupils dilate as i contemplate the purpose of existence. Then the air rushed back out of my lungs blurring my eyes getting caught in my throat, but the pain is no surprise. It resides as acceptance.
It is my way to feel the unfeeling, to know what is happening is real. So I steal one more inhalation and settle into my pseudo life's inebriation.

And every step taken is waking up to shattered glass and every breath forced feels like my last.

Someone had the nerve to mention the word healing, like I wanted to stop and smell the roses, like I was done with my grieving. But then it crept into my head, it slithered and found a way inside me instead.
And I let it.
I didn't fight like I wanted to. It sneaked into my subconsciousness and somehow I knew. I was tired, beaten down from being down; it was getting harder to breath with each exhale coming out sharper through this frown. So I let myself smile, my jaw ached, it had been awhile.

And every step taken is waking up to a realization and every breath forced feels like salvation.

I swallowed hard, forcing air past the lump in my throat. I stood before all of our friends and family with these words that I wrote. I smiled to force back the tears, but even if they didn't show they will always be there, year after year.
But now I am strong. I'm strong for our family and more than anything I am strong for you. I can't fight this feeling of impending doom, but I don't have to because my heart already knew. It already had the strength to go on, to keep the melody playing in our song.
And through the time pain faded and away in the wind it blew.
And now I am breathing...
Because I am thinking of you.

And every step taken is waking up anew and every day lived reminds me of you.