Lepidoptera or The Moth Effect

I had a dream this morning. It wasn't an inspirational dream or something that's going to change the world. Just a dream. Well, a dream about an ex-girlfriend. It's been almost two years since I've last spoken with her and as far as I can tell I probably won't ever again. This doesn't make me sad however. She is a jerk.

I'm not sure why I dreamed about her, I wasn't thinking about her at all the last couple of days. And now that I come to think of it, although it was her in the dream I think I was dreaming about someone else. It's a mystery you see, dreams often do not make sense and when you think you have them figured out you're actually completely wrong.

The person I was dreaming about was someone who recently came into my life. For reasons of my own safety I will change the names of those involved.

Natasha was always there. Just a few feet away but so off my radar I had never noticed her before. Once I did though it was all over. A slightly crooked smile, talk of music and Harry Potter and a death threat or two.

I had never had a relationship like the one I had with her. It was blistering passion, with two parts nerd and a quarter of secret agent mixed in for good measure. I was falling hard, I wanted something so much that I closed my eyes as to what I really had. It felt real, I was happier than I had been in a long time but it was false. It was a joke. An absurdity wrapped in a lie. It went down smooth and ate out the bottom of my stomach.

It ended not once, but three times and in a way it's still not over. The first two times had something to do with her boyfriend not exactly loving the attention I was giving her. The third was me realizing this girl was a moth girl. Not literally of course, but she is for all intents and purposes a moth. I will explain shortly.

I think this dream though, about someone I haven't spoken to in almost two years, was trying to tell me something.

The dream itself. I was in a diner or cafe or truck stop. I was standing at the register ringing people up when I turn around and see her. The bob haircut sitting right beneath her chin. She looked a little taller, a little bigger, but she had the same perfect smile. The fucking smile that could change from the prettiest most heartwarming thing you've ever seen to a scowl that could strip paint.

I immediately knew it was her and wanted to hurry things along to minimize the amount I had to talk to her. She felt the same way. It gets a little fuzzy there, but I remember her wearing the exact outfit that Natasha was wearing the last time I saw her. She said to me very heatedly, "I can really see now that we have nothing in common to talk about. Just get this done so I can leave."

I pleaded with her to try and talk to me, but I couldn't quite talk right and she wasn't having it anyway. The last time I spoke to Natasha, which was fairly recently, for an agonizing moment or two, I felt like I had almost nothing to say to her. I felt something in my stomach, not butterflies, but something. Maybe there is another small insect feeling you get when see someone you're excited to see but immediately realize they are the last person you should be speaking to. The moth effect.

Her crooked smile and beguiling charm doesn't work as well when I remembered how much pain they caused. She just seemed like a fake. Like she had this whole act perfected to entice men. To make them fall for someone who was never there in the first place. She reeled me in and I took the bait hook, line and sinker.

My dream girl, pardon the expression, was right though. We have nothing left to talk about. We are so similar in so many aspects but because you are who you are we are on different ends of the spectrum.

Beware of this kind of girl, she is beautiful and deceptive. She will give you that same warm, invigorating, everything-in-the-world-is-suddenly-right sensation but it's fake. It's a similar feeling but instead of excitement, all you end up with is ruined clothes.